If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
You took a bar mat shot.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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