He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
stop calling my apartment porn island.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
