shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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