I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
