there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
