It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Randomize
