I am spending my child support on dildos
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Randomize
