Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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