His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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