hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
