In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
