Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
