You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
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