why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
