remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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