i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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