I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
