My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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