i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
