Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
