I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
