I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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