They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
