Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
