I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
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