Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
