Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
there is puke in my bra ... again
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize