I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
