chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
