yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
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Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
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Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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