As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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