this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
