We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
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