Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
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