I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
soo... how was my night?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
