i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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