Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
