My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Randomize
