I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
