we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
