I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
