it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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