Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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