so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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