The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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