note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
