Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
