i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Randomize
