i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
