Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
