I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
