hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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