Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
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