I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
My ass is underappreciated
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
