Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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