38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
